(and you're NOT comin' out from under the blankets, no matter WHAT)
Haha, hilarious. It finally happened, as I knew it would. It feels like you could rule the world and nothing can hold you back. You're gettin' things done, even making plans. You're going to have a Life! And then a certain song starts playing, faintly in the background. It goes a lil somethin' like this. Hum along, you might know the chorus...
I feel my grip on 'reality' start to slip, and all my lovely progress & sense of "being productive" begins to feel a little desperate. I try to keep the vibe going, but within (*insert timeframe*), I am cancelling all appointments, regretting anything I did/said over the last (*insert time frame*) because it just showed everybody what a complete fraudulent waste of space I am; castigating myself for thinking I have any business believing I could make a success of anything. Like run a blog about 'Living' when I just want to step into the Black and be done with it. What a Hoax! Slowly sinking into a physical, mental, aethereal ParalySea, so that I even if I try to reach my Toolbox the immobility is so total I can neither reach out to it nor stay afloat. I see its dark and reassuringly rectangular shadow bob by me on my Black Sea, but I am too busy trying to remember why I want to keep trying to breathe, and I will soon lose all memory that a Toolbox exists, let alone be able to use it.
This wasn't meant to be the next post. I had a useful, sane and positive draft post that I was enjoying writing until I trip-a-ding-donged (I trust you know the -ve self-dialogue as well as I do). I've had a shitty three weeks (three fkn weeks!) on the Flopside, and I have missed my self-imposed blog schedule (meh, that's normal for mentalFolk, I tell myself, I tell myself). In the meantime, as I start to be able to move again, I thought I would throw this lil 'mini-post' out there in the name of staying true to the Whoopy-Daisy see-saw of Bipolar, Depression & Anxiety Disorders.
See? I'm not LivingTheDreamAllYouHaveToDoIsFollowMyMethodToAbsoluteBlissAndWealth, or any of those hashtags. I'm just a person living with an oft-hellish bunch of disorders that has decided to have a go at having a go. I can't always just put on the HappyCanDo Hat and walk the walk. Sometimes it's just shut the door, put a cupboard up against it, and turn the phone off. I no longer have expectations of an end date for being a bit of a wignut, but if I'm gunna be finding myself alive each day that I wake up, I may as well have a bit of a philosophy about how I wanna meet the day that I find. Even if that philosophy wavers like a bamboo building in a Tokyo earthquake. Which it does. Ugh.
I dunno... there's still a bit a bit of a swim before I can touch sand and wade ashore; dry my clothes off and turn my eyes upward and onward again, but I'm in shallow waters and in sight of Land now. Barring any unanticipated downturn, I will probably put the next-intended post up within a few days. It's a nuts-and-bolts, TALKING TACTICS subject that I hope you will find interesting. Until then, if you're UP, make the most of it; if you're ABLE, put some work in; if you're DOWN, Hold Fast! and we'll see you on the other side.
♡
ReplyDeleteHi Zeb,
ReplyDeleteI’m so very tired of holding fast. How do you trust in your Hidey Hope?
Your blog is about the only words that make any sense to me at the moment. Real sense. I get what you’re sayin’... just can’t Do any of it. I have read the post on Strategy a few times now and can’t see why I need to. The first Toolbox Tactic is really useful...still no strategy as a reason to. I’m just not convinced I need to be here and can’t see any point in trusting Hope. How do you do it? Dx
I'm sorry but I had to publish this before I could reply.
Deleteoh, my friend... this is the most precarious and fragile of all places to be, and I hesitate to give you my truth on it. Because truly I believe there really is no point and that the choice to keep going is one I must review and decide upon again and again, reasoning and re-reasoning, hoping for a minute, then despising myself for it. It tires me out and saps even the desire to keep trying. I am still here because of two things; one short term for the immediate now, and one straightaway for the time needed. You need to get in the direct company of people that either care, or people whose job it is to look after you. you must not be alone. I have called Lifeline with the packet of pills and water in my hand, when I had noone else. I have called the Crisis Assessment Team (CAT) when i had tried and missed and was looking to try again. They didn't lock me up, like I was scared they, would, they just listened and then helped me. just DON'T BE ALONE.
You probably don't feel worth saving, that's ok but please don't trust those feelings. the very fact that you wrote me means that some deeper part of you really wants there to be a brighter day, and I promise you that while there might not be some big spotlight shiny forever, or a rainbow-tinted 'other side', there are precious and golden bright moments somewhere ahead of you, if you just take one more breath right now.
do it for the people that love you, do it for your dog, do it to spite every stupid fool that ever disrespected the spark that makes you You.
Now the immediate thing. take one breath.... see if you're still there at the end of it. Now see if you are still there at the end of another breath... still there? try another and see if you are still there when you finish breathing that one out.. keep checking. just one breath, check, repeat. I have gotten through whole hellish nights just trying for one breath at a time. it's not fun, but somehow it often works, and you're not having heaps of fun now, so what's to lose trying it?
I was (am) scared to reply to you, because I don't feel qualified to be of any help, but the thought of not replying, especially just because i was afraid, was much worse to contemplate. Please don't wait for someone to ask if you're ok. If you've stopped functioning, however you define that for yourself, please please try to take that first step in letting people know you don't work any more and you need help. I only know that eventually I couldn't do it alone anymore, and laying that at someone's feet (in my case, a doctor at the health clinic) was instrumental in helping me get to a position where i had my basic needs sorted out (shelter, food, services etc), which enabled me to start the long road to addressing my fucked mental state.
Stay in touch, my friend. Please, I mean it. If sharing some of your journey assists you in any way, then keep writing to me. The email address for this blog is extraho_morsus_canis@myway.com
I don't know if this has helped, but I will be thinking of you, and sending your HideyHope a little telegram from mine, ok?
It is always part of the head-struggle when opening up to people...not wanting to be a burden or for them to feel burdened with responsibility. Thank you so much for connecting and, I appreciate your honesty. My list of things that get me down off the window ledge gets smaller every time I find myself up here, but, the effect on people (include my cat)is a constant. Surprisingly, hearing that there is no magic bullet for you and you often have to revisit your decision to stay IS helpful. Somehow reassuring!
DeleteI’ve organised to stay with a friend ...and to see my doctor tomorrow. Dx
Really glad to hear this, D. Two fundamental things that will both shift the groove a little, and give your a subconscious a message of Self-Love. I too have found a freedom and comfort in the concept of consciously defining what your point to existence is about . it helps you learn what truly has meaning for you, and that goes an incredibly long way in deciding to have another go at Life. And hey, try to remember that we live in such a sick society, the only really healthy response is illness or dis-ease. There is nothing wrong with the Essence that is You, you are complete and whole and human-y. our processes and procedures are where the problems lie. Try not to worry about "getting better," just stay with yourself one breath at a time. thankyou for trusting me enough to reach out, make sure to stay in touch, you're always welcome. P&L
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